Saturday, December 18, 2010

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

95% of the time, Sophia is a sunny, compliant and loving child. Her teachers are fortunate to get this Sophia nearly 100% of the time and they find it difficult to believe that she is ever anything but sweet and happy.

It appears the other 5% is reserved almost exclusively for me. Her moods can change faster than the speed of light and much of the time, I have no idea what triggers the change. I do know that three things can bring some dramatic changes to her disposition; sleep, hunger and sadness. Unfortunately, she rarely gives me any signals that trouble is brewing in any one of those departments.  She eats nearly every hour (and I do mean every hour) so it's never like she has gone very long without nourishment. She doesn't yawn when she is tired, the only clue I have that fatigue is setting in is when she begins to laugh maniacally. Her sadness about missing Colin comes in intense waves and is usually worse at the beginning and the end of his working days.  None of this is surprising, but at times, her mood swing is so spectacular, her sadness so profound, her words to me so sharp, it literally leaves me with my mouth hanging open.

The good news is that her difficult moods often revert back just as quickly. Of course, that sudden flip flop can be equally disconcerting.

I firmly believe that not having her emotional needs met for the first 10 months of her life has shaped some of our little girl's personality. I know the orphanage staff did the absolute best they could with few resources. I just wish that Sophia and the other girls never had to go through those formative months without the hugs and comfort they so very much deserved. And I sincerely wish I could give her enough comfort and security to make up for all that she missed. I recognize that some holes can't be easily filled but, one thing is for certain, I will never stop trying.


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